caffeine

It's pretty dumb.
Actually really really fucking stupid.
I was at home because I didn't want to go to class.
I felt bored and just wanted to be bored.
I wanted to talk to someone.
But there was only that creepy guy from the online dating site.
Another shithead, pretty much.
The kind of guy who's okay with dating people five or six years younger than him.
Because he's basically immature and wants to feel like he's twenty or twenty-one for the rest of his life.
Or he wants to feel like he's in control and can't deal with people his own age.
Which I think is bullshit thinking for him.
We're as mature as we're forced to be.
And there are twenty-one year olds who have to do everything for themselves, and twenty-six year olds who still live at home.
Anyway.
I got offline and started to feel better.
I started listening to the Dresden Dolls.
They've basically made a career off of people who feel like me.
When I stopped feeling like that I drank some Coke.
Then I drank some more.
I drank like a two-liter bottle of it.
And ate a few caffeine pills.
I wasn't bored anymore.
I started shaking.
I sat under the table and didn't stop shaking for a while.
So I went online and tried to talk to him.
I started typing in FULL CAPS, self-consciously.
Oh fuck I feel like it's coming back when I type "self-consciously."
He's in his class basically not paying attention.
I give up.
I get offline.
Drink some more Coke.
Take some more caffeine pills.
My hands won't stop shaking until I do something with them.
I start typing at full speed, just random letters after a couple of minutes, but there's some poetry there at first, yeah, pretty good.
I back away from the computer.
I look up at the posters of bands I liked, like Radiohead and Coldplay and The Shins last year.
I'm sick of them.
Actually I've been sick of them for a while.
They don't sound like what I like anymore.
I'm not looking for any easy sounds, give me something loud and pounding, like someone's stepping on their instruments because they're too pissed off to play them right.
If Thom Yorke and Chris Martin and James Mercer were here I'd punch them in the face.
I jump up on the bed.
And pull the posters off the wall next to the bed!
Jump from the bed to the desk!
Pull the posters off the wall above the desk!
Jump down to the floor!
Kick over the chair!
Throw the cell phone in the corner and watch the cover fly off the back!
I stop and look around at all the posters, the shit knocked off the bed and desk, the broken cell phone and chipped corners of the desk.
I lie down and just laugh for a while.
I laugh.